Head in the Clouds

Fifteen. 

What a raw, beautiful age in life. The age when most girls start turning into women; start falling in love and start unearthing ambitions.I did all of that; and a little more. I had never known the harsh reality of life until I was fifteen. It came like a whirlwind and it blew away all the bliss that had accumulated like a cloud above my head.

                                     

Those days of unparalleled happiness when I excluded myself from all social activities by camping in the library. Those days of living in Middle-Earth and Hogwarts. Basically those days when attachments did not mean anything to me. Just those bonds with close family and friends; people you could absolutely trust. There was nothing to fear, no one to hate, because it was all so pure. I had the beautiful ambition of becoming an archaeologist and then some day pen down my thoughts and become a famous writer.

What really happens to childhood dreams anyway? I think they get locked up in a treasure chest, never to be opened again. You sail away from them, like a ship drifting away from an island. Your castles crash down from the clouds. Your mountain of happiness has landslides of misery. 

And then some where, some how, a draught of reality flies in. You're forced to grow up and face the cruel world at such a young age. It's true, you have nothing to lose; no career, no social contacts, no property. You just lose one precious thing - you lose yourself. And you do that so helplessly, while the entire world nods in sympathy.

You're forced to stop living with dreams, and to live with people. Actual people, who are so unpredictable and imperfect unlike your friends inside your head. All your preconceived notions about people start to melt like wax. You fall in love with some people, who mirror the characters in your brain. And these people are inducted into your Mind Palace forever. Then again you meet people, who aren't pleasant, who have lived luxurious lives and are spoilt to a massive degree and people who lie and backstab and betray. And you are forced to hate them, an emotion you weren't capable of, because for some reason even the villains in your dreamworld were so prefect, that you could not help but admire their ruthlessness. 

And you're caught in a dilemma. Should I attach myself to real, solid people or should I be alone? Man is a social animal they say, but I have met people who have lived alone for all their lives and they are still content. Hermits have peaceful lives. Attachment and love, is to your work. Is to your family. And to your friends. Yet, it is not attachment if you don't feel the acute pain when you are separated from them. Pain is not really the best of all feelings; so why attach yourself?

You move in this circle of questions, swirling like smoke inside of your head. You don't know how to console yourself if anything were to happen to your attachments. Work ends when you become utterly incapable and people simply die or leave. What really remains except words? Words inside of your head; words that knit together to form sentences and sentences that pile up in patterns to form stories? If all the toil and attachments in life were to amount to dreams then why did we leave the dream world in the first place?

Questions, and questions about the purpose of life. The end result is nothing but questions. Maybe those who are really lucky, get answers. And those who aren't are simply whisked off to heaven and the moment they land there, they know. They just know.  

I See Fire

Seriously, what is it with me and song lyric captions? :P I don't know I just find it incredibly cool (along with the advertisement I'm doing for free) and how can you NOT like Ed Sheeran.

Anyways, HI there to all my readers. This is probably the longest vacation I have taken from writing anything substantial in my blog. The sad news is that there are loads of posts lined up in my drafts but I NEVER FINISH WRITING THEM.

I don't really call this Writer's Block, I think a better term for it would be "Stuck in the Mind Palace." A casual definition of Mind Palace in my own words:

 A secret place in your head, where everything and everyone is mind-blowing and somehow comprise of an array of characters you wouldn't really interact with normally. Also, this place is really different from one mind to another, so like your Mind Palace could be inside a treasure chest at the end of a Rainbow for all I care. Or an underground Mafia mansion. So, you know, it's damn cool. 


So technically, this is not a post. It's a form of conversation with my readers about basically "what has been up." And without any further delay, let me brush through everything that's going on.

The first thing, is keeping busy. Keeping so busy that I'm actually not getting the time to breathe. There's a lot of work, including studies and internship and there is suddenly too much to learn. I've recently caught the Web-programming bug and to think, I'll be learning more that 4-5 languages by the end of this semester! It's an amazing thought; because you should know that I kind of suck at any linguistic feat. I once had this deal with <insert part of brain that is concerned> that I will learn Chinese in six months.

........ Need I say it didn't work out?



I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for a Script writing course that NUS is holding from next week. If I can get into this, it will be great, because FINALLY some experience in Theater. I mean, with an Uncle who is pretty much almost a veteran in Bengali Theater (mind you, Bengalis are REALLY proud of their Literary and Cultural Heritage and yes I am bragging) it's kind of sad my exposure to Theater has been so tiny.


I've been watching a lot of movies lately, in my free time. Some new ones, some old ones. I just keep my eyes engaged for as long as I'm not sleeping. So there was Disney's FREAKING-AWESOME movie Frozen, and for all of you who thinks its not good, you can disappear in a puff of smoke. "Let it Go" is currently my anthem and if anybody cares to listen, I can sing "Do you want to build a snowman?" at the top of my lungs.

Oh and then I watched HER. Despite the whole of Twitter going crazy on the praises; and despite the amazing screenplay, the script and the direction - boy, was this disturbing. I mean, kudos to the actors (I love Amy Adams) for the splendid job! My favorite part of the movie is when the hero, basking in the eve of his early forties (?), talks about how he has felt everything in this world. He has felt such an extremity of emotions, that whatever he will feel after this will be simply a fraction of what he has already felt. Oh, and the other most amazing aspect of the film, towards the end when the (umm...) heroine says, that the end of their love story is drawing near. She compares the episode to a book, which she is trying to read as slowly as possible, so slowly in fact that the spaces in between the words are becoming infinite.

Such. a. beautiful. script. I think the last time I remember watching a movie whose script I LOVED was Juno. And that was so long back.

Okay, so what no one knows till now is that I'm writing this post during lecture. Now, you must not get me wrong. As much as I love my course, I have the attention span of a cat. Before you know it, I'm done and bored.

SO, this brings me back to the last event I think I should include in my post. THE MUSIC. It's been a good month, with a lot of lovely music floating in from all corners. No not just the club favorites like Timber or Wake me Up or seriously any other electronic music. I mean like actual soulful tracks.

"I See Fire" really appealed to the Middle-Earth inside my heart. THE LYRICS. THE MUSIC. The only other version of this I think needs some applause is Peter Hollens' cover of this track from Desolation of Smaug. I never thought there would come a day when ALL my favorite people (Tolkien, Sheeran, Freeman, Cumberbatch, Mckellan, Bloom) would come together. It makes me want to weep in joy. *Takes out handkerchief* *sob*

I also discovered the Glee version of Defying Gravity (Broadway's signature track from Wicked) and this played on repeat for a week. Along with Let it Go and Brave, these three tracks have the strength to lift you up from the deepest and blackest depths of darkness. And that's enough metaphors for today.

Which reminds me, John Green's The Fault in our Stars is heading for the Theater and I'm full of major anticipation here. There's so much reflection in his works. Everyone, please read Looking for Alaska. I'm currently reading The Book Thief. These books are really metaphors in themselves.

This really brings me to the end of the blog post (once I start, I can never stop); and for all of you still wondering why I See Fire is the caption, the truth is I don't really know. It was the first thing that came to my mind; and there's nothing bad about a little bit of Tolkien in our lives, is there?

Hope this semester continues amazingly, and I'm being unnaturally optimistic when I say - it can only get better. :D Until the next blog post everyone!

Of Remarkable Semesters, and stuff :)

One more semester down; officially 2 and a half more years left. And this amazing phase of life called 'College' will have passed like a midsummer night's dream. So, while we are at it, I have decided to continue the tradition of writing one end-of-semester blog post to re-capture the hell lot of fun we manage to have every sem! :)

I could just end this with a High School Musical Moment (* WE'RE ALL IN THIIIIS TOGETHERRR!! *) But I don't want to be steamrolled for my poor choice of endings. So I'm going to go with the flow.

1. It's a movie, the whole thing. 

Remember those days when you used to watch movies and daydream about the possibilities of your journey colliding with a jackpot-of-a-life like that hero's?! Actually what the hell. We still do that. I mean, I don't see HOW you can watch Avengers without wanting to be Iron Man. 

But really, I just realized that if I look at our lives in college from an outsider's point of view, it's pretty much as good as a movie. In fact, so many incidents have happened one after the other, cascading pretty much like a movie plot and culminating with amazing night-outs; I don't think we have the right to complain about how uninteresting our lives are. 

But life, like all other movies comes with a series of ups and downs; and when I look back, I'm so proud of all of us. We handle everything beautifully. That's all that matters.

Lights, Camera, Life!

                                                  

2. Fanaticism is real, and it is happening.

I mean of course it is. So The Free Dictionary defines as fanatic as:

A person marked or motivated by an extreme, unreasoning enthusiasm, as for a cause.

Well, I don't know about the unreasoning part. The extreme part is true alright, because this semester I did launch into a completely maddening phase of fanaticism. And it's all for a cause; a good cause. Some times you don't need to have your feet stuck to the ground. So whether it's a collective stalking of Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hiddleston; or simply an obsession with a series of your favorite books turning into movies/ TV Shows; it's all the same. 

Tumblr is suddenly your religion. Planning to ditch that website before Sherlock spoilers come out anyways. And someone please do something about my Loki fever.

                

Note: This tends to happen in short phases; and can be at times extremely dangerous when you fail to guess a reference (or a quiz question) about your Fandom. 

3. Head's Up is freaking awesome.

Anyone who thinks other wise has no life.

So if you have NOT heard of Ellen's new app (at least for a while) then something could be terribly wrong with you. I suggest a switch in lifestyle; maybe you should stop living under a rock and come out in the sun for a change. 

After spending hours playing with categories like songs, movies, animals, food, places and I don't know what not; I was pretty convinced that I can't guess for nuts. Especially movies and famous people. Really, what have I been doing all my  life? How do I not know ANY of these people? 

And this makes you want to question the whole purpose of your life; and the lives of others too (when they can't guess obvious answers <*cough* Where's the Love Tonight? *cough*> OR derail from the whole track to guess something else <*cough* Becoming hot after graduation? *cough*>).

Warning: Addictive and can be highly dangerous/beneficial for people with self-confidence issues.

Which brings me to the next most happening event of the semester.

4. EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

And I think it happened to almost everyone here at the same time. Why am I living? What is the purpose of my apathetic nonsensical life? And when this particular crisis hits you, everything suddenly comes to a grinding halt. Your life becomes a fat question mark that doesn't seem to budge from the way. 

And then you spend a few days, munching on chocolates and swallowing a few tubs of ice cream. Preferably with a laptop in front of you with Youtube videos running on repeat. Ultimately, you come to the conclusion that you were born to eat awesome food, so if nothing works out just cook food and eat. Or actually, just keep eating. It helps. 

In case you are wondering, this dude made a really cool video on existential crisis; and yeah that's him lying face down on the ground.

                                       

5. Honey Singh. Need I elaborate?

I don't know WHAT his music comprises of. Some kind of intoxicating drug I guess. There's a magical thrill in memorizing those lyrics, foot-tapping to his beats and playing every song on repeat. What do you need in a party other than Honey Singh?  I think I'll look back to the Chalet Party as one of the most fun-filled nights of my life. Great venue, great dancing and most of all, great music to top it all up. 

And with that, I can safely conclude that Blue Eyes was the song of our batch this semester.


                                  


A few other unrelated tracks which kept all of us mesmerized were:

a. Radioactive - Imagine Dragons
b. Royals - Lorde
c. Counting Stars - OneRepublic
d. If I Lose Myself - OneRepublic
e. Mirrors - Justin Timberlake

Moving on...

6. I wish that I could be your Superman Tonight (today, tomorrow, every time, for the rest of my life)

For those of you who got the Bon Jovi reference, you rock. 

So ever since Thor hit the theaters last month, I don't think I could spend a single day without refreshing my Marvel knowledge. Not like I followed every series religiously. But it's fun how superheroes make your life seem absolutely ordinary; and yet you get that surging feeling of the magnitude of the world's problems (compare that to your absolutely tiny problem - studies.) And then you feel all good about life, until a deadline knocks you back to reality.  

Oh and it's funny how this sub-title mentions a DC super hero, whom I don't really like as much as my Marvel favorites. But you can't really hate Super Man. I mean he's the first super hero you come to know about. Well, maybe. Or Shaktiman. But that's well, never mind. 

Here are pictures of two of my favorite Marvel characters.

Ironman. Tony Stark. Cannot. 

Rogue, my absolute favorite. 

         

7. Concerts are Mind-Blowing!!

And the worst thing is they come into your life like a spike of alcohol in your coke. You simply can't have enough of it. Then before you know it you are drunk with the exhilaration of the moment, the amazing music and the presence of your favorite Youtube Music Artists. And the next morning you wake up with a massive hangover. 

You never know the crazy impact of a concert, until you go to one. And once you are done screaming your lungs out, singing every single song on the planet that you absolutely love; and after you return to that monotony of your daily routine; you will finally be able to imbibe that evanescent evening into your heart.

First concert: Boyce Avenue. The amazing thrill, the feels! 

                               

8. Quizzing can be Deadly.

I really don't know how to express this with the exact amount of concern. But during the exams, there was a major addiction to a Quizzing Page on Facebook that spread like an epidemic. I have NEVER been so eager to gain knowledge and feel like the dumbest person in the Universe at the same time. It's more than just answering, it's reading the question for five minutes, realizing you know absolutely NOTHING about that piece of fact and then watching others race you to the end line, with the perfect answer.

Do I even have one of those thinking caps?

                                     

Not knowing, is most naturally the truest form of self-destruction on this planet.

9. Ted Mosby(s) don't exist.

They really don't. Neither the architect, nor the lover. If this world ran by the principles of Ted, then we would all be in deep shit. We would be sitting at a bus stop for eternity, waiting for the special someone to walk by with a yellow umbrella. I'm so glad I don't have to worry about being a hopeless as romantic as I always was, because I think what really matters in college is solidifying friendship and knowing that one will be there for another in times of crisis. And when the time comes, everything will fall in place. :)


                

10. Don't you worry child, Heaven's got a plan for you :)

A grand one that too. There's a plan for everyone and everything. And there is no way you can avoid this plan. It's like a mixture of fate twists and pathetic obstacles but also timeless happiness. Sometimes you do screw up, but it's all part of the plan.

I personally wanted to write one more point about cats too, but I'm afraid people who hate these awfully cute creatures (there are a great number of such people by the way), will never visit my blog again.

Sorry, I tried. I tired so hard, but this picture JUST HAD TO GO IN.

             

This semester wasn't exactly a joyride. It was a jerking revelation that Life is not just about the petty problems we face every day. I learnt so much and with every passing day, I reveled in the company of the people I have come to love. That is more than enough and I know that despite all the norms and rules of college life, it is we who define the limits of our ecstasy. And for my extended family here, the bounds are limitless. And this is perhaps, the reason why I am not really looking forward to graduation. :P

Anyways, that's probably it. Hope you all have an amazing vacation! :)

Love ya. Peace. Bye. 

No More Counting Dollars, We'll Be Counting Stars.

I haven't written anything in such a long time. But while I sit, mesmerizing myself with OneRepublic's amazing music, I can't help wonder.... what would it be like to actually skip that ambitious desire for money and for once just lie back and count those sparkling stars?

The rush of infinite - a magnitude greater than all magnitudes. So immense, that your whole existence seems irrelevant to the universe. And maybe it really is that insignificant.


                              



Anyways, the purpose of this random blog post was to update my dear readers about what has been up lately. So first of all, too many things are happening at the same time. And what I'd like to write about explicitly in this post is a concept I came up with. It was more like a thought that struck me while I was walking down to my Residence at one in the morning.

The entire complex was quiet. But not quiet in the eerie or unusual way. Quiet in a beautiful, calm way. The buildings rose like gigantic pillars of light, soft diffused golden light exploding in ample amounts at every level. In every column of glassy kitchens, in the silent floating corridors and the rippling curtains of every room. Not a single movement. The ghost of happy carefree laughter lingered around the foyer and the wind blew so peacefully, you could have almost heard it touch the grass. Somewhere in the background I could hear the gushing sound of fountains, or just running water, or maybe it was the graceful movement of fish in the pond back at Residence One. I don't know, I didn't want to know.

For that one moment as I walked slowly, an unavoidable thought struck me. What if everything just stopped? What if time just froze? This element of our life which is in an evergreen state of motion. This time which controls every part of us, everything we do or say. Just now, just then. Just stopped.


I wanted to be caught in that frame of life forever. That lovely moment where the world is at peace. It is not too late for everyone to be asleep, it's not too early for everyone to be awake. It's just perfect and the world is just still and quiet. The lights will be dim and pretty like in the movies and The Rocks will still be the most romantic spot for couples. The Foyer will be alive with incoming visitors, maybe people who just landed from long tiring flights. The dark building rising in one corner was once a Restaurant and is now a Supermarket and we will all keep wondering what else they would set up in there for days to come. The Back Gate will have this haunting aura of stolen delights; young men smoking on the stairs, completely oblivious to everything else. The Fast Food outlet, which was bursting with life just about an hour back will be subdued and silent as the student helpers retire from the day's work.

But my friends, what would my friends be doing now? And I run through that list of all my precious family members away from home and I realize that I just know who will be where. I know some of them will be "chilling" in a room which has an AC, because well who wouldn't flock to an AC anyways? I know that some will be back at Residence 6 playing an extremely entertaining round of Head's Up! Someone will be cooking themselves a nice midnight snack and someone will be busy studying like there is no tomorrow. Someone will be thrashing another person's avatar in a fierce video game. Someone will be enjoying a late night drink from a bottle they bought right before they bring down the blinds at 7/11. And someone, maybe someone, will be thinking about all kinds of crazy thoughts like I do and penning them down too. :)


I could travel to every single person and back. Because I just know where they will be, I just know that I will always find my way back to them. The only regret I had at that very moment was that I was not with them all. I was alone, just me and my thoughts.


However, the sudden realization that all these events will stop forever in another two years, is shocking. That we will never "chill" together the way we do now because as time goes by, lives will entangle and break apart, and everything will change. In this crazy race for money, success and happiness we will forget these little tiny moments that brought us bursts of joy. Or maybe we won't. Maybe we will actually give up on the big picture of life and embrace these little moments. Maybe we will always meet and keep meeting and keep collecting these memories until they are so infinite, that they will become like those eternal stars. Imprinted in the mind which is a dark, gloriously black night sky. And some day we will realize that the big picture in life is after all, not the dollars and the praises and the work. It's a huge photo frame full of small pictures of the times we spent with our loved ones. And it's a frame worth keeping.


These thoughts had simply blended into my sub-conscious. And as soon as I reached Residence 4, I had formed one tiny resolution. I would (for a change) live every moment in the present. Really, truly absorb every second spent with people. Because after all, obstacles are meant to come and go, bonds are meant to break and mend, but if you want to soar like a blissful phoenix, then you have to die to be reborn again.

Because to live is to capture every frame of life like a screenshot on your phone.
Because to fly, you need wings and every memory is like a magical feather.

Because it's time to sign off but I really, really can't do that without quoting OneRepublic; so:

I see this life like a swinging vine

Swing my heart across the line....

.....Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.  

The Strawberry Drink

                                                 

I woke up this morning with a hangover quite unlike the ones I am used to. This was a sweet feeling, sweeter than the fleeting strawberry scent in my mouth. It must have been the drink. Well, I don't know. I didn't feel dizzy, I didn't feel tired. The truth is I didn't feel awake at all. It must be a dream, this faint sensation of memory-loss. It's like I don't remember what happened last night, or the night before, or what happened many, many nights before.

I turn my head to the side, still lying on the bed. I catch a glimpse of the mirror and I see the hazy surface. The misty droplets of water condensing on the silver. It was incredibly hot since the past few days, I do remember the crazy heat driving me to the river. There's nothing like the river for a cold treat. Maybe it had rained last night, the world has been such a blur I wouldn't even know. Maybe there had been a storm, a hurricane, even if the universe had come to a still, I wouldn't have known.

I spy my face in between the glass, an expression caught in the mirror like a wet photograph. There's smudged mascara, my eyes look hideous. Except they don't. They have always looked hideous but not today. Today they looked like someone who had won a losing battle. Like crushed coal on hot tar. Still gleaming, a wondrous fiery black unlike any other. Hair, tangled into curls, looking like dark silken ribbons, except they were not as beautiful. They were untidy, unkempt, the way you look when you wake up after a long night, and you have no idea how or why you can't remember anything at all.

You are so unbelievably love drunk. In love with everything and everyone. In love with life and in love with love. In love with the great big yellow sun and in love with the wide blue ocean. How can you not love all these creations of God? He who sat and made all these little things, like a baby would make his clay toys. So imperfect, but you would love them anyways. So innocently exotic are his creations. Even the plainest of human beings are worth admiring and even the most evil of characters are worth applauding.

I sit up on my bed, and I feel the world moving in a kind of fast motion beneath me. It's like the floor
is slipping away. I'm not even drunk. The alcohol never even reached my lips, I had been asleep since I don't know when. It wasn't the weather that lulled me to sleep, it wasn't even the fragrance of those tropical leaves on my desk, flying in with the wind and floating about my room. Maybe it was that voice in the phone, a deep, sweetening voice. Or maybe , just maybe I don't know what happened last night. Maybe I slept off, without meaning to and Peter Pan flew in and took me to Neverland.

How would I know? If fairy dust could be seen, then my hands and feet would be sparkling. But Peter doesn't take women who are old. He takes young girls and I am no longer Wendy. I was once upon a time, a very dedicated little Wendy. But I grew up, I left those castles behind in my nursery and I rose like a phoenix and flew every new day and remembered everything when I woke up. Except today, today I could not remember a thing.

I thought of what I wanted. I wanted happiness in every form. And I had a sublime happiness in everything. Except I knew I was impulsive enough to be a brat at times. An annoying one that too. I thought about my impulsiveness quite often. And I scolded myself often.

The mirror looked like it would crack, the mist had gripped it very tightly. I walked up to the glass and blew away the fogginess. My face was unimaginably blank for a person who had just had an adventure. So many wonderful things happened with me all the time. I studied my lips for a little longer than always, they were artificially red. A kind of bright scarlet which I did not like.

My feet ached, around the ankle where the heels had piercingly dealt a painful pressure. Don't move, I thought. But standing still was not an option. I glided to the desk, as if in a dream and my phone, lay sprawled, with a dead screen. So disconnected from everything. Did I lose my memory? Did some one hit me on my head with something very heavy? I would never know. I didn't know if someone was there with me last night. I just knew that I was sleeping.

The sweet deadening sleep, which coursed through my veins like the strawberry drink which laced my lips. The day was cloudy, the mist was floating in and despite all the light headed thoughts that bubbled in my brain, I felt detached from reality.

And for the first time I looked out of the window. A world of clouds and filtering sunshine and reminiscent greenery. It struck me like a dart through the mist. Quite caught by surprise. The memory loss, the rain, the hangover which did not quite fit.

The view outside the window was wonderfully pleasant. If I were not already dead, I would have been delighted. Heaven would have been a great story to tell my friends. Magnificent, simple, glorious heaven.
Oh, yes.

                                   

For Ramya :)

I don't know if people actually do this. Do they write blog posts for people on their birthdays? I've never done this for anyone else. But then again you are not just anyone else :)

Okay, so what I really, really want to articulate in words, but I cannot (because for some reason I am suddenly out of words) is that whatever I say in this blog post is not even half of what I really want to say. 

OKAY, now that came out in a really confused manner, but whatever.

Ramyaaaaa!!!

 (And I know half of my readers will probably be like, 

"Ramya? The famous singer who released a music video across the nation? Oh my god, lucky you! I'm a big fan!" 

BUT don't worry I won't tell them where you live. I won't give them your phone number. Or your autograph. Heck, I won't even let them TRY to see you. I don't want you to feel AWKWARD about it. )

So where was I? Yeah, Ramya, I remember exactly where I met you. At the foyer in Prince George's Park Residence on this slightly sunny afternoon at the begin of Semester One. 

AND I thought you were the most peaceful, saintly thing on this planet. Boy was I wrong. 

By the next time I met you (and you had cracked quite a few gross, incomprehensible jokes by then. Mind you, I was innocent those days) my brain was finding it hard to digest how INSANE you were. 

AND I remember Srishti (hereby known as The Horse) telling me how scared she was that we may end up not liking each other. OH, SHE HAD NO IDEA. I think we sidestepped liking each other. Because from that very moment when you woke up in the middle of the night (at 3AM remember?) just to talk to the poor blundering fool (that was me) I JUST KNEW IT. Let me put it in a very CHEESY way : I just knew that we were meant to be :'). 

And how do I put all the time we spent together in words? Let's see. By the end of the first month in NUS, we had successfully managed to inject enough insanity into each others' minds. But that's what friends do don't they? Driving each other nuts and all?

There was all that ridiculous amount of shopping (let's not forget the amazing bargain you got me by just being famous). Then all the dressing up before occasions and when I say occasions.... *cough*. 

All the crazy photos and the videos and the rolling about on the ground during those sleepovers. With your thermal blanket and my comforter. (Damn, I miss sleepovers. I wish I didn't have so much work this year, we should have those more often AGAIN.) Except we did have one after watching Insidious and I slept like a log while you and The Horse were going hyper. 

All the time we spent being hopelessly romantic while you were like too cool and all. All the time we both stumbled and you were there to lift us. All those lengthy discourses about life and love and hope and happiness. If there is one person I can credit for teaching me to be happy, it is you and you know why. 

All those horror movies and romcoms and old Hindi films that we watched together. Every time we both felt insecure and unhappy, I don't remember a single time when we haven't rushed to each other to clear it out. Anytime. Even if that means leaving your bed in the middle of the night. AND I would still do that for you, over and over again, until the end of time.

AND I almost have tears of happiness in my eyes now and I'm going all 'awwww' in my head now because I just realized how precious you are to me. And I think I should send you a message right now saying "I Love You :')". 

AND....you just replied.

"Love you tooo bitch". 

Who needs a better half when you have a friend you can go up to and say this to anytime?

Remember, the bucket list you made? The "before you turn 20" one? I know everything there hasn't been completed. But really Ramya, you don't need it to be completed at all. You don't need a tattoo or hair dye or anything else to make your years before 20 special. You have us :) And we have you. And whatever you do or say, nothing and no one can replace you in my life.

There is one other thing I remember that cannot be forgotten. The time when we both lost someone who was close to us. Loss is a painful emotion. But there you were and once I spoke to you, loss became a different feeling. Speaking to you about something, anything gives me so much hope. You fill me with so much of positivism. I don't think there is anyone, ANYONE in this world I can speak to about these things apart from you.  

Before I end this blog post I want to tell you about ALLLLLL those things I love about you. 

I love your AWKWARDNESS. Because let's face it, it is unique. I don't have anyone else who goes awkward when faced with a totally non-awkward scenario. 

I love the way you SMILE when you speak about something sweet that happened ( in reality or in dreams eh both) and that makes me double triple multiple times more happy than you are. I mean, you have no idea how contagious your happiness is.

I love your jokes. :P Sorry, but you are kind of a joke yourself sometimes and I can't help it if I don't know someone else who is a walking-talking joke by themselves.

I LOVE how you can make me laugh. I mean look at those noises you make sometimes. And seriously, "glam" stuff aside, I don't know anyone else you grunts when they laugh. And then you trigger my hiccups. Let's not even go there. 

Dude, you should like change bodies with some one,  some day and just watch yourself. You're a masterpiece. 

Okay, I really can't go on and on about this 'what-I-love-about-you' thing. It will never end!

Okay, but really Ramya, the whole point of this blog post was to shout out a big 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!!!!

to my favorite cow/buffalo/sea cucumber friend. Bitch, you are PROBABLY wondering why I am spilling all the love only before your birthday (You JUST pointed that out on chat, wow, you read my mind o.o). 

But on birthdays you realize one thing. That if this person were not in your life, there would be a big void and so many moments would be meaningless. 

IF this semester was not draining the life out of me, I would write a blog post for you every single day and I know you would read everything I write. But despite all that, you know better than anyone that I am only a call away from you.  It's one thing about spending time away in work and studies, but it's one thing about coming home to someone who loves you. I know you'll always be there for me.  

I love you to bits. :*

Stay beautiful, stay happy, and most of all stay just the way you are.

And yes what you see below, is wholly intentional. 

                                     

Lots and lots of love <3

Being Nothing

I can't begin to describe the state of mind I have been in, for the past one month. It is almost like the usual feelings of joy and grief have slipped out of my brain's chambers. Not sad, not happy.

There was a time once when I was simply devoted to being as happy as I could be. I trained myself to accept Life as it came. In packages of sublime happiness. In vessels of knotted misery. In excitement and in pain, in solace and in fear. There was a time when nothing really mattered but having so much fun that I wouldn't have to regret a single moment.

When I stepped into college, this semester, I was beyond just happy. I was enthralled, curious and most of all, undeniably spontaneous in every possible manner. It's as if I was waiting for something that was heading my way at the speed of light. I don't know what kind of castle I was building in the air, what kind of expectation I was painting for myself. But I think whatever it was, has either eluded me cunningly or simply sidestepped and raced ahead while I was busy searching for it. Or maybe, it was never there to begin with.

In what seemed like a torrent of flashbacks, I espied that one time when I had felt genuinely about anything in Life at all.Love, pity, any emotion. I recalled the time when I helped my mother sit up in bed, while she struggled, a cloudy illness grasping her. I recalled the time when I fiercely stood up for my sister when any other kid tried to bully her. I recalled the time when I missed my best friends so much after moving away from town. I recalled the very first time when I thought of someone I loved and smiled shamelessly.

And now all of a sudden, it seems like all that is gone. Gone with the effortless, gusty and strong wind. This wind which is nameless, faceless and fearless. I try to remember exactly when I stopped reacting to anything that happened around me and I really can't remember when. I feel NOTHING but a clammy mist of emptiness that has no meaning. There are people around me, people whom I love to death and people whom I would do anything for. And yet, there is nothing but a huge void within me.

I finally know what it is to be able to meet people yet feel lonely. To want to laugh but not be able to. To want to cry but not be able to. I've become a stranger to myself and to everyone else around me. It would make sense if I was depressed or simply a manic, but the truth is my mind is a blank slate. There is a pent up bucket of love and tenderness that I want to distribute, but I am not able to.

But maybe sometimes it is just not enough to share all the love and care. Sometimes you need to take from others. Now I really know what people meant when they told me, "...you need to be taken care of."
Because sometimes all you really want to hear is a "It's OK, I'm there with you."

But the world doesn't work that way. People throw stones at you. They whip the happiness out of you. They carve you into a cold statue not worth it's space on the planet. Is that why people commit suicide? Is it because they don't know themselves anymore?

It's a fearful thought. But then why again would people be afraid to die ? They make their own choices. Death isn't an enemy, it's an old Friend you met in your previous life and met again in all the million lives you have lived in this Universe.

I spend every night drawing lines of destiny for myself. None of them seem to be heading the right way. None of them seem to be heading any way at all. What if I were some place far far away from here? What if I were still a child? What if I had never met these people around me? What if? What if!

In my distant mind palace, I have devised methods to run away from this morose emotionless state of mind by simply being a pathetic coward. But in another zone, my brain has come up with a default mechanism to lie on the cold hard ground and contemplate about everything twice and thrice and until I scream myself to sleep.

Maybe, just maybe, this isn't going right. I want to be able to stop this nothingness by filling my days up with warmth and sunshine. But that's like in the fairy tales and although I dreamed of being a princess when I was a child, those dreams have locked themselves up in a secure chest. Reality tossed the chest into the sea when I grew up.

I want to be able to know that I am fine. But it's so difficult. I keep my schedule occupied and intact. So that I have to never THINK again, but thoughts are thoughts and they keep crawling back. And while friends keep repeating the same mantra again and again ("Go out, have fun, watch movies, fall in love again"), it's a nightmare trying to implement them.

The light is visible at the end of the tunnel. But the journey is so empty, so lifeless. If only I knew the remedy.
Life would be a huge cheery slice of pie and any problem would be a piece of cake.