And for a change, not feeling that bad about it.
I've taken, what could possibly be the longest break in my blogging career till date - and this is a testament to the fact that I am actually working for a change, instead of drifting in my thoughts. But you have no idea how much that disappoints me as I'd love nothing better than to actually drift in thoughts - if possible, drown in them.
Speaking of thoughts, I have had some approach me recently, and this time, they aren't exactly pretty. No, before you think I'm moving over to the dark side, I'm not cooking up plans to murder people. I've just had some really intense realizations about growing up, and anyone who has grown up will know they aren't the best of all thoughts.
I'm distracted yet oddly focused, I'm thinking all the time about the never ending list of tasks I have to complete and yet I am idle enough to binge watch a TV series without a pause. I'm confident about what I should do, and yet I am extremely confused about life. I'm happy about being in this place, at this point of time in life, and yet I am miserable about all the things I do not have.
Maybe this is just all about being human - and maybe I'm beginning to feel it all now, because when you take the time out to actually FEEL everything that happens around you, the good and the bad aspect of it, you start to live instead of normally, just existing. And that means having to feel the excitement of sitting on a roller-coaster with your friends (which I am VERY scared of by the way), or the fear when you find a snake in your bathroom (which really made my Halloween, thank you Snake), or the dreadfulness of spending night after night working on submissions and reports, till the point when you're exhausted and ready to drop dead.
I love to feel every moment, and one of the most interesting goals I have for this lifetime include having to feel every bit of this amazing spectrum of emotions given to us. Happiness, misery, attraction, fear, jealousy, pride, fury, love, everything, everything. This reminds me of a beautiful quote from the movie Her,
"Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt."
I don't think it's possible for us to feel everything, but even the pain and the joy associated with the simple memories of life are something I wish I could treasure. If I had the time, I could document every minute of my life into a film so that I could watch it one last time before I die, and take every special moment with me to the afterlife.
I could say I'm all alone in this journey, and maybe I really am. This is the point when you realize what growing up might actually feel like, and it's a very lonely feeling. You're in this world where you have many friends, but actually none at all. You feel like you have everyone, just a phone call away, but that was the beginning of college. Now, even trying to pick up the phone to call someone makes you realize how far away the person is, not just physically but emotionally. It's not the same anymore, but it was never meant to be I guess :)
My favorite children's story/play is Peter Pan, and trust me, nobody hates growing up more than I do - but the interesting part about growing up is, even the part of you that unreasonably hates what cannot be changed, starts to accept these truths for what they are. Go ahead, deny it. But that doesn't change anything.
But not everything turns around. Over time, your best friends still remain those books which are tucked away in shelves, collecting dust. But isn't that the beauty of books? No one has spoken to me the way Hardy and Bronte and Austen have. And I'm glad it has been that way, because those who are dead may never die. After all, you can never lose someone you never had. These men and women have spoken to me about the Past and about times I wish I could have seen with my own eyes. About places I wish I could have visited, and people I wish I could have known.
And that's not all. Even the feeling of looking down at a city from an elevation, and basking in the colours of sunsets, looking at the circle of life turning away, ever so slowly; that is a beautiful feeling. Spying a butterfly on the green, a flower in the meadow, a cloud with a silver lining or a ship at the horizon. All these feelings which can never disappoint you, no matter how many people you've lost or gained to reach there.
Every single one of these feelings will pile one on top of the other, like feathers, for years and years.
And sometimes when I think of my grandfather, and picture him gazing out into the distance, I remember how it always captivated me - for someone who has lived for so long, what do they really think about? Battles and wars of the past? The first time they fell in love? The assignment they failed in college? Or do all those moments mean nothing to them, because for the love of God, they cannot even remember those memories, when all that came after was worth so much more?
I'm beginning to realize that the more I grow older (and I know I sound like a Grandmother here but), everything around me starts to make less sense. Having to dress up and look pretty, having to put that extra punctuation mark, or even having to put the right topping on the right food is actually more about my control freakishness and less about my motivation to actually do what I must. And for the things I really care about, I feel happy when I accomplish them, and if I cannot, I simply feel sad and let it go. It has become really simple. The worry, the pain, the sensitivity that always accompanied failure does not bother me anymore. The angst of young adult life, seems to have ebbed away.
I have finally learnt to let it all go. And I think that is the most important part of growing up; imbibing everything that matters and letting them go when they must. For some people, this probably comes naturally but for me, and for someone who loves to hold on because they fear loss, this is the most difficult step to take. But I'm glad we've all made it this far :)
I don't want to end this post on a depressing note. After all, growing up need not be necessarily sad - you can still hold on to everything you've loved as child. Stories, poetry, art, history, science, every single bit of whatever you fell in love with and whatever changed you. In fact, I've been exploring a bunch of classics I read as a child, and I'm re-reading Anne of Green Gables just because.
This transition is unlike any other, but it's not as hard as most people make it out to be. It's actually quite smooth because unlike your teenage years, you understand the value of acceptance or rather the necessity of it. And once you've realized this, you may think of your parents and finally appreciate their sentiments because now you almost feel like you can relate to them. Growing up is a pain, but it has an aesthetic touch to it, which is ironically almost nostalgic. And that's about it.
Till the next post, then. :)
